Today is just one of those days. A day where I really wanted to eat bad food. But I didn’t. SUCCESS
Since I promised that I would be 100% honest in this blog (in addition to my life) I will admit that today was kind of a weird day and all I wanted to do was eat In N Out. I realize that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I ate In N Out but today was one of those days that In N Out would have represented something bigger then just a meal that cost me 22 points on WW. It would have represented my “go to” coping mechanism that I have always resorted to when I has a sad.
I mean this with all seriousness. I am very grateful that my “go to” coping has never escalated to a place where I am bingeing out of control on food, or worse, purging it. Eating disorders are incredibly serious and I really do feel lucky that I have never experienced that. I feel like eating disorders oftentimes go under the radar and are not given the special attention and understanding that it deserves. Despite the fact that I have never had a diagnosed eating disorder, I do have my vices and poor health choices just like everyone else. Some people smoke, some people drink, some people have meaningless sex with strangers, some people gamble, lie, steal, take illegal drugs…the list goes on and on.
I am a self-proclaimed “poor choice maker” when it comes to food, especially when I’m having a not so great day. My “beer” is a Slurpee. My “cigarette” is a candy bar. I love sugar. I love bad food. But do I? Do I reallyyyyyyy like bad food and sugar? Or do I THINK I like bad food and sugar because that crap is super addicting. Ohhhhhh the benefits of serious self-reflection and honesty. I never get too out of control and eat a meal for 5 people or anything, I just eat ONE meal for ONE person and it happens to be packed with calories and gross stuff that makes my body do this to me:
Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, one meal packed with calories and gluttony is NOT BAD when you have it once in a while. What makes it bad or unhealthy is the reasons why you are eating it. When I do eat “bad food” I would say 50% of the time it’s coming from a functional place. I might have exercised that day, eaten well and my friend is in town and we want to go eat something “bad”, take it home and eat it while we are wearing pajamas and talking about hot men and puppies. It’s the other 50% of the time that bugs me which is what today was all about —-> Something stirs me up emotionally, I feel bad, I feel sad then I get mad (I’m channeling Dr. Seuss) and then I say “I want In N Out and I deserve it and that’s that. I’m going.”
It’s that “I deserve it” part that BUGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS ME SOOOOO MUCH. WTF. I deserve it? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE?!?!?!?!?! Oh man, the caps have come out and the repeated pattern of letters = dramatic annoying writing. Seriously though, I deserve it? If I am feeling bad/sad wouldn’t getting a pedicure or eating something that makes me feel amazing make more sense then eating something that ends up making me feel 10x worse than I felt going into it? Our brains are messed up. At least mine is. Although my intuition is telling me that I am not alone on this one…….
Now here’s the good news
Even though I blogged about getting In N Out in my earlier post today, I DIDN’T DO IT. I knew deep down I didn’t really want In N Out. I just wanted to feel better for a minute. Instead I ate some more fruit and carrots and I’m going to make myself a yummy Turkey Patty after I write this. I didn’t like the carrots though and I was actually mad about it….
On a totally unrelated note I started laughing to myself thinking about posting this picture of me with no makeup on. After I posted it I Googled “Celebrities with no makeup on” so I could feel better about how different I look with and without makeup on. Meh, I don’t really care at the end of the day. This is me, take it or leave it. Except I do have to say that I think it’s hilarious that every time I went to school or I see someone I know out in public and I am not wearing makeup they would usually have the same response:
“Oh, are you sick? You don’t look like you feel very well”
“Are you sad? Is everything ok?”
BAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Well there goes my dreams of being a “natural beauty.” Speaking of natural beauty, do you know who is one? I do:
I have way more to say about this topic (food, not my dog) but I am going to end the post here. I will definitely be posting more about this topic as time goes on because it does mean a lot to me. All I can say is I’m not perfect, no one is, I just hope that my honesty might inspire other’s to be more honest with themselves too. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel very deeply about life and all it has to offer. I am happy I can share it to anyone who reads this blog and will continue to do so.