January 21st

I never learned how to cook which is why I am almost 30 years old and I haven’t even been close to getting married or engaged.

Note: I am sorry if I offended any women out there with that joke…………….

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When I think about why I never learned I have come up with a few reasons. They are as follows:

  • When I was a child I never asked my mom if I could help her in the kitchen because she was Super Woman and she looked like she didn’t need help….besides MTV Spring Break was on so I was busy watching that and learning some killer dance moves 
  • I wasn’t raised in a family full of women who loved to cook. I have ONE grandma who barely eats and when she does she tries to feed us hard-boiled eggs, old wheat bread, vegetables and non-fat, sugar free Popsicles for a delicious dessert.
  • When I was 18 my mom was diagnosed with cancer so she didn’t end up cooking a whole bunch because she didn’t feel well. I don’t blame her.
  • I moved out on my own when I was 19 and had no one around to help me in the cooking department, nor did I have the drive to learn (HEY, I’m just being honest here.)
  • I am an all or nothing person. Quite impulsive at times too. When I decide I want to do something I end up buying enough supplies to run a small operation. Then I get bored or overwhelmed and walk away from it or feel discouraged. This is exactly what happens when it comes to cooking with me. I see all of the ingredients I need, or the time it takes to prepare or I don’t understand a certain word and then I get mad and go to In N Out. I know it’s not right but it’s how I operate.
  • I also have a really bad short-term memory. Since cooking has never been something I wanted to do or enjoyed or was exposed to, I literally have no memory, opinion or anything related to what foods or meals I want to eat. When people ask me what I want for dinner the only thing I can think of is having a turkey sandwich, grilled cheese or some Skittles. It’s ridiculous.

Here’s where things have changed………………………………………..

  • I’m turning 30 this year so it’s time to grow up and start cooking like a boss…like this dude
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  • I want to learn how to cook so that my boyfriend can have another reason for sticking around and loving me even though he calls me a brat 100x a day.
  • If I learn how to cook then I will save money and can save up for that pony I always wanted Image
  • Also, if I learn how to cook I will have at least 35% more things to talk about with women I meet randomly on the street. Image
  • If I learn how to cook, I can even throw dinner parties, or at the very least make delicious plates to bring to our friend’s houses. People will eat my food and then turn to Tommy and say things like….OMG, your girlfriend cooks soooooo good, I bet you feel so lucky to be with her huh? My God….she cooks AND she tells funny jokes. Holy shit, man. You hit the jackpot. He will be forced to look at me and think to himself “I am the luckiest guy in the world.” Then he will imagine his life like this Image
  • Clearly, this cooking thing has a lot of upsides to it so I am really starting to think I have no other choice then to become a cooking machine.

So here’s my next little rant about cooking and one of the main reasons why I haven’t started ….yet.

Cookbooks bore the crap out of me. I hate tiny font, I hate when people ramble on and on and on and on about a certain recipe  Seriously, this is how I feel when people won’t get to the point about how to make food or talk about it like it is the invention of the wheel

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I reached out to my friend Marianne because I know she cooks her husband lots of great meals every day and she would break it down for me in a way that would keep me interested and willing to learn. I have to tell you that in no way did she let me down. I simply wrote her an email saying:

“Marianne….I need you to teach me how to cook. Can you email me a simple recipe once or twice a week (start off slow) so that I can start cooking food at home. That would be greattttttt.” 

This was her response email:

“Mini Chicken Pot Pies!
 
1 Can of FLAKY biscuits
2 chicken breasts
1 bag of frozen mixed veggies (corn, carrots, peas etc)
1 can of cream of chicken soup
1 cup of shredded cheese
salt, pepper to taste
 
 
pre-heat over to 350
 
place chicken in boiling water, cook for 20 min, cut in cubes
 
get a mixing bowl and dump can of cream of chicken, frozen veggies, cubed chicken and cup of shredded cheese, mix that bad boy up.
 
grab your newly purchased cup cake pan and spray that shit with Pam
 
open the biscuits (try to do it with out flinching, waiting for the pop)
 
separate the FLAKY layers in halfs 
 
flatten the half of the biscuit a little, stuff one half of the biscuit down in the muffin hole so just a little biscuit hangs over…do that to all 8(?)
 
scoop a HEARTY scoop of mixture on to the biscuit, dont be shy…overfill that shit.
 
get other biscuit half and place on top of mixture and stuff all the overhang down into the muffin hole.
 
bake for 15-17 minutes.
 
BOOM goes the dynamite!  This shit is for realz tasty!
 
enjoy.”
Not only was that recipe enjoyable and funny to read but I followed it closely and I feel completely prepared and capable of making those things which brings me to my next idea….
Marianne needs to write a cookbook ASAP in that exact writing voice. I swear on EVERYTHING if there was a cookbook out there that essentially made fun of me, made jokes…..talked weirdly about the recipe……whatever, I would 100% buy it and use it everyday.
I have no idea if this kind of book exists but it needs to.
That’s pretty much all I have to say today. I will document on my blog the things I end up cooking and making for myself throughout the year. Please do not think this is a place for you to come to find recipe ideas. If nothing else, my blog will always be a place for you to come laugh at me or with me. I will never create things that look pretty but I can promise  that they will be edible and Tommy won’t die from eating it. In fact, this is a collection of pictures that I can completely identify with.
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Lastly, a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy big thank you to my co-worker Daniela for surprising me with a rice and veggie cookie/steamer thingy for no apparent reason other than she loves me and she knows I need cooking supplies. I came back into the office after my lunch break and she presented it to me. I was totally shocked. What a lovely gesture!!!! A present for no reason?!>!!>!?!?!? People don’t even buy each other birthday gifts anymore, left alone send cards in the mail and she bought me a rice cooker just because?!? So sweet. I actually got a headache quickly after she presented it to me because I got so worked up from excitement. Thank you, Daniela!!!! XOXOXOXOOXOX
She told me that we will upgrade me to a nicer one once I start using this one and grow out of it. HAHAHAHA. Thanks, Mom!!!!

She told me that we will upgrade me to a nicer one once I start using this one and grow out of it. HAHAHAHA. Thanks, Mom!!!!

About FunnyGirlweightloss

Hey You! Welcome to my blog, I am happy you stopped by and I hope my struggles make you laugh a little bit....wait, what?....Anywho, this is my weight loss blog where I will be 100% honest and real about my struggles in losing some weight and more importantly, keeping it off. Most people that know me say I am funny (hence, the title of this blog) so I guess the twist is the fact that I am going to be completely candid about how much losing weight can be really tough/hard/awful/daunting/boring, yet eventually amazing and totally worthwhile. Hopefully through my vulnerability and candidness, I help inspire others to lose some weight and stay motivated. https://funnygirlweightloss.wordpress.com/
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